the days just keeps getting better and better ... not!

sigh ... how is it possible that life can come around kicking my ass AGAIN! i bought 4 bottles of beer and sat outside the apartment. drinking my misery away. unfortunately i could only down 2 bottles and a couple of cigarettes until i felt stupid. i just dont understand me sometimes. i think im just too demanding. wanting everything and yet not giving anything. more input less output.

i dont know if im doing the right thing or the worst i've ever. even worse than when i was with jac. gosh. the past keeps coming back to me. it's like something keeps reminding me of the past. i'm sick and tired of it all ... i just want to be alone. i dont want to deal with anything anymore. maybe i was meant to be a bachelor. just a stupid little guy that never grows up.

i'd rather jump down a tall building than go through another day of my life. the cuts dont help anymore. its not helping even though i cut myself a million times. it's like a sign telling me that im done for. theres nothing else that could and will help me. nothing. just emptiness.

sadness reigns in his eyes. nothing would ever be the same again.
rick.